Cheeky Wisdom: Safely Friending Someone on Social Media

As a woman with a blog, social media interaction is crucial to me. I meet some really neat people out there! I also meet people who are either utterly clueless or total creepazoids. Because I can’t always tell the difference right away, and because I now utterly refuse to engage with strangers who tell me they want me to be their friend without good reason, I decided to address this situation with some Cheeky Wisdom.

Beware the Fishing Chatters!

The header image for this post is a compilation of commonly used “icebreaker chats.” I call them “fishing chats.” To anyone who actually wants to befriend someone on social media, this is NOT the way to do it! These types of unsolicited chats are indeed an intrusion and not genuine ice breakers.

What to Look Out For

I used to try engaging with these “fishing chatters.” That’s when it became apparent this was not a good thing! I am now hard core opposed to “fishing chats.” Why?

1. Unless you personally know someone on social media, you really don’t know who they are at all! This person (the fisher) could be a man posing as a woman, a woman posing as a man, a recent parolee hungry for interaction from anyone, a schemer with the intent of getting money from you, a person from a different country, a “troll,” or other nepharious character.
2. These people you do not know generally use the same “fishing chat” motus operandi:
   1. Hello
   2. How’s your day been going?
   3. How’re you doing?
   4. I want to get to know you.
   5. I want to be friends. Or my favorite:
   6. I don’t want to intrude, so kindly send me a friend request.
3. They use “ice breakers” like the above to start a private chat. Some place comments similar to the above on something you posted, but their comments have nothing to do with what you posted.
4. They try to start conversations in a way that strangers in real life just don’t do. And if people do use any of the above, it’s either in polite passing while walking on, or it gives you a creepy feeling. When that happens, listen to that creepy feeling!
5. They want to take you off the venue into an even more private means of chatting. Often they’re in a hurry to do this. Creepy much? Remember, you do not know this person!

If any of this kind of sounds like coercive kidnapping, then it just might be. So I don’t engage in what I call “fishing chats” anymore.

For You Truly Lonely Hearts Out There

Of course, there are lonely hearts out there who just don’t know better. But one of the reasons I’m writing this is to help those folks out.

So here’s how to make new friends on social media:

1. Visit the person’s actual timeline/profile/page and read their featured post and/or general information post. Often you will see if a person claims to be married, single, open to chatting, or exercises strict “No Chatting/No Dating/No DM/etc.” protocols, as I do. Those messages, if they exist, are there for a reason. Read and heed!
2. You comment on something a person has posted. Your comment needs to be directly related to the other person’s post content, not on how you want to be friends. (I delete those immediately.)

Don’t ASK to be Friends; Just BE a Friend!

Being a friend means:

1. You’re willing to meet the other person in the online public venue on an easy-going, casual basis.
2. You do NOT get in a hurry to get information from people you don’t know.
3. You can exchange ideas when the content of the post or ongoing conversation thread calls for it. (Don’t just type: What do you think about this?)
4. You can ask questions about the content of the post, but never about the person behind the post.
5. Never ask about the person’s family, where they live, or any other personal information! If the person wants you to know things, he or she will let you know on their own.
6. You stay public until the person you don’t know yet feels comfortable enough to initiate a private chat WITHOUT PROMPTING.
7. You’re OK with the fact that a private chat may NEVER HAPPEN!

Making New Online Friends Safely: What Works for Me (and Others!)

I often interact on social media with folks I’ve never met, and no one feels like they’re being stalked. How? I simply add topic-related comments on their posts. Occasionally, we start up a conversation in the public venue. When we see each other on that venue at a later time, we might exchange hellos and howdy dos, along with a related comment to the post content. Eventually, I have invited people who don’t give me the willies to chat privately. By that time I’ve gotten a pretty good idea of their character and intentions. I’ve actually made pretty good friends this way, both male and female. Neither of us feel pressured or creepy. When I chat with them, I feel safe. When they chat with me, they feel safe. If I’m chatting with a married man, I generally offer blessings to both him and his wife. I never want a spouse to be suspicious of private chats, so I keep them friendly but never suggestive.

The above said, making friends is not formulaic. However, it is not something you just decide out of the blue you’re going to do on social media. You have to do it carefully.

Stranger Danger: Be Careful Out There!

Folks, if you are being approached by strangers, please exercise great caution! Depending on the person contacting you and what information you provide this stranger, you might be giving them what they need to hack into your home computer system, or worse! If you’re using your company’s computer for this, and attempted hacking occurs due to your engaging with these people you do not know, you could get fired!

Social media on its own is a place where, when treated with caution and respect, you can make and build up friendships, keep up with family, contribute to causes that are important to you and even grow business connections. But it can also be a place fraught with unsavory characters. So in the words of Sergeant Phil Esterhaus of Hill Street Blues, “Let’s be careful out there!” OK? OK. Good.