There are some life lessons that live with you until you die. In my case, wrestling with God at the ripe old age of 18 was mine. This life lesson spun quickly into additional life-long circumstances that included losing ¼ of my face and being declared dead at age 20. But that’s another story.
A Little Background
My parents were much older than those of most of my peers. The 1960s and 1970s were enough of a culture shock for the world at large, but for my folks, that era left them utterly unprepared how to handle a sweet, creative, and not-quite-conventional little girl who actually danced to the rhythm of her own music.
Nearly 11 years my senior, Bubba was not at all helpful at the cultural transition between the happy days of the 1950s and the hard rock of the 60s and 70s. In Mom and Dad’s day, when Dad said, “Jump,” the kids were supposed to ask, “How high?” Bubba wasn’t particularly keen on this arrangement. Oddly, I was, but Dad’s parenting experience with Bubba encouraged him to dig in on me. Let’s say that didn’t pan out the way either Mom or Dad thought it would when I finally broke and ran.
Mom and Dad didn’t keep company with the parents of my peers, either. So both neighborhood and school were particularly awkward, isolating, and painful. On top of that, Dad taught at my high school! But I was fairly smart, so at 17 I was able to graduate after attending half-days during my senior year, and I started college one month after my 18th birthday.
College Days: Where the Wrestling Began
All this time, I had not only been brought up as a Christian, I thought I was one. Maybe I was. But I had not learned how to listen to God. And it didn’t help that pastors and teachers were comparing God with our earthly fathers. The sweet people-pleasing little girl was starting to harden. And rebel.
Then one day I met a young man who was a ministerial student. He wasn’t much to look at, but I thought he was kind, funny, and appreciated me for who I was. I was smitten! But I overlooked the warning signs. Things like pathological lying and violent outbursts. Yet the worst was when he asked me to marry him.
Because I hadn’t learned how to listen to God, I hadn’t learned how to recognize His voice, and I didn’t realize that the check in my spirit (a phrase I was also totally unfamiliar with) was warning me not to marry this guy. That’s when the wrestling with God began.
The warning only spurred me to dig in and say Yes to a guy I wasn’t even in love with. The more I resisted, the louder the warning, the harder the wrestling, until I decided the warning was from Satan instead of God. I said Yes, not to this young man really, but to running away from home. Big OOPS!
Learning to Listen
Scripture says to “Be still and know that I am God.” The Lord was saying, “Stop! Look at Me!” But I didn’t listen. And when I pushed Him away back then, I rejected a lifetime of gifts He had in store for me. But God also tells us we can have peace in the midst of chaos and strife. Yet there would have been a lot more peace and a lot less chaos and strife had I listened back then. Take it from someone who knows: wrestling with God is no fun!
Learning to listen to God before making major decisions, and sometimes even minor ones, is the most valuable life lesson of all. Look for a post or two on Listening to God under Let’s Talk About Faith. OK? OK. Good.